I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
