you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
