Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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