YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
