She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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