I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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