I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
