she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
