I'm pants shitting drunk right now
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
