Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
