pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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