Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
