help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
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