OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
