An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
