I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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