i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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