can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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