I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
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