I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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