Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
