I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
