woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
