Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
