If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
