Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
