i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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