I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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