Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
