I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
