Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
