he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Enjoy the penises
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
