I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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