Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
