I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
