Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
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