So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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