the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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