He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
