The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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