Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
