I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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