Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
