She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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