i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
