I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
