No awkward lesbian experiences without me
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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