...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
