She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
