why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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