I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
it's like iHOP with fire
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
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